Which of the 5 Love Languages Do YOU Speak?

Which Love Language Do You Speak?

One late fall afternoon, Brad surprised his wife by driving up in a new firenze red Range Rover as a gift for her fortieth birthday.

Laura seemed appreciative enough when Brad showed off all the interior features of the car to her and the kids, for she knew she needed a better car to chauffeur their four children to school, soccer practice and orthodontist appointments.

But Laura didn’t feel “touched” by the birthday gift of a fancy red SUV from Brad.

The gift left her with a hollowness in her heart, a hollowness which Brad surely sensed, and which must have dimmed the light in his joy of surprising Laura with the car.

After  the kids’ excitement over the new car died down and they went off to do homework and Brad was on the phone, Laura walked out in the backyard as the sun lowered on the horizon. With the key to the new Range Rover in hand, she glanced down at it and then over at their redwood fence which leaned precariously to the left. A fence that was sure to blow over in the next big wind. Laura had asked Brad to tend to it many times, which he said he would, but did not. If only….

If only Brad would call the fence company or fix the fence himself, that would warm her heart and that make her feel truly loved.

Brad and Laura each spoke a different love language!

Brad’s love language is “Gifts” and Laura’s, “Acts of Service.”

The 5 Love Languages, book by Dr. Gary Chapman

1. Words of Affirmation — If this is your love language, you feel most loved and appreciated when your loved one acknowledges your talents, accomplishments and your very existence by verbalizing their admiration for you. And you most easily express your love for another by offering him or her positive words of affirmation.

2. Quality Time — This is how YOU feel loved—when your lover, boss or child wants alone time with you–just you, talking, actively listening to you, or even walking or sitting in silence together with no distractions. And you find it easy to carve out moments of quality time with another.

3. Gifts — If this is your love language, you feel loved when someone gives you a gift, and YOU easily communicate love to others by your natural joy in giving gifts. If a loved one offers you a positive affirmation in response to something you’ve accomplished, or they give you a warm hug, it doesn’t mean as much to you. You desire a tangible gift!

4. Acts of Service — If this is your love language, you feel loved when someone does something for you: washes your car, brings you breakfast in bed or takes the kids to the beach so you can have a day to yourself. And it is part of your nature to easily perform acts of service for others: taking a friend to a doctor’s appointment or bringing a dinner to a family in the midst of a crisis.

5. Physical Touch — Everyone has varying ideas and needs regarding touch. If hugs, kisses or hand-holding make you feel more loved than gifts, acts of service, quality time or being told you are wonderful, then physical touch is your love language. And if YOU find it quite natural to hug and touch others, this is your way to communicate your love to others.

It doesn’t matter which of the five love languages is yours and you don’t need to try to change it. What does matter is garnering more awareness of what makes you feel loved, and through which of the five languages you express love to others.

And MOST important of all is knowing what language your lover, child, mother or brother speaks, so you can communicate your love for them in ways that holds the most meaning for that person! If one cares enough, that is….

Long ago, my then husband and I and our three kids lived in a small cowboy town in the mountains of Colorado. Folks bragged about never locking their doors, but because our kids slept upstairs and our bedroom was downstairs, I felt the door should be locked at night, and that it was the kids’ father who should want to make sure the door was, indeed, locked. IF he really loved us, he would lock the door. Right? Acts of Service! That is my love language, but back then I hadn’t read the book and having to lock the front door myself made me feel unloved and disregarded.

I’m not suggesting you run out and buy Chapman’s book, set it aside, leaving you with one more book you should read.

I DO recommend taking a few moments to decide which love language is yours, and which is that of each of the people you most care about. So simple and it can make all the difference!

Which one of the five love languages do you claim to be yours? Share by leaving your comment.



  1. I personally speak love languages 1,2, 4, 5 and appreciate them when given to me. Material gifts have never been as important. They seem to me to be superficial in comparison to the other languages of love.

    • Helen, most folks have a primary love language and a secondary language. If you feel strong in four out of the five, then your loved ones have a very easy time communicating love to you, and you to them! That’s awesome. I agree with you, gifts have never made my heart grow as wide as other kinds of messages of love!

  2. Great booked. Worked like a charm until he had mid-live crisis and met a woman 16 yrs my junior.

    • Ann, my heart goes out to you as you rebuild your life (better than before) and search for a good man to whom you can speak your love language. H.

  3. I am a 1 and a 5. My husband is a 4 and 2. In this crazy paced world, it is lovely when anyone slows down enough to do any gesture of thoughtfulness and love. I therapist sent a gift card to show us her thanks for the office staff. Gifts aren’t usually my thing, but I would so moved by her thoughtfulness that at that moment a 3 was my language.

    • Jenny, maybe the gift card was more of a positive affirmation (#1) for your good work and that’s why you were so touched. H. 🙂

  4. I think I am a type 2. I really like spending time alone with a trusted friend. And when someone performs an act of service for me, I always feel moved and loved. Gifts mean less and less to me over time. “Things” seem superfluous, and I wonder if that comes with maturing?

    • Ronda! Thanks for sharing and good to hear from you. I also enjoyed the cute card you sent with your new contact info. Blessings to the four of your in your new location and home! Love, H.

  5. I totally feel like I identify with all 5. My boyfriend is so frustrated with how demanding I am. Am I wrong or greedy to want all 5. I feel like I express all 5 to him. When I started researching this I thought I might find the key to the barriers between us. Now I feel more hopeless than ever.

Speak Your Mind